


The Affair of the Respectable Wife, Or, Who Cares For Poetry When the Poets Are Revolting?

by cefyr



Category: Die Lustige Witwe | The Merry Widow
Genre: Conspiracy, F/M, Gen, Post-Canon, Some Humor, Some Plot, some poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:32:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26777419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cefyr/pseuds/cefyr
Summary: A tale of conspiracy, dancing, and poetry in and around the Pontevedrian embassy in Paris
Relationships: Hanna Glawari/Danilo Danilowitsch
Comments: 8
Kudos: 5
Collections: New Year's Resolutions 2020





	1. The Note

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Blueinkedfrost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueinkedfrost/gifts).



> I started thinking about this fic in 2017, I think? I am indebted to my recipient for repeating the same prompt year after year while I failed to come up with a plot :)

It was well after midnight, a time when all decent, hard-working people should have gone to bed, but the Pontevedrian embassy in Paris showed no sign of it. Here, the orchestra played on, the champagne flowed freely from bottle to glass, and the bright lights from the windows glistened merrily as they were reflected in the puddles of rain on the pavement outside. Inside, the whole house was alive with music and dancing, and it was obvious to any visitor that some great occasion was celebrated. What the occasion might have been was not easily spotted—indeed, it could have been anything, the Pontevedrian embassy to Paris being a contingent known more for its parties than for its party politics, and for using any excuse to bring out the champagne. 

"I cannot help but wonder if the Ambassador himself is quite aware of what we are celebrating tonight," remarked Hanna Glawari as she and Count Danilo waltzed past the man in question.

"I would be very surprised if he were," said the Count. "At one time today I did in fact hear someone guess that he had died, and that we were having a ball in his memory. But he looks quite alive, so the rumours appear to have misled me."

"Perhaps," said Hanna, "we are merely celebrating the Fatherland."

"Of course." He made a mocking bow. "The Fatherland, always in our thoughts. And for all the time we willingly spend so far away from it, we must love it more deeply than the poor beggars who merely live there!"

They took another turn around the room. As they passed by a deep alcove, shaded by burgundy drapes, a small hand shot out and dragged the pair off their course and into the shadows.

"At last!" said a voice. "What were you doing, dawdling for so long in the middle of the floor? I thought I would have to come over and drag you back here."

"Valencienne!" said Hanna. "You do always choose the most dramatic ways of catching people's attention. Is anything the matter?"

"But of course! I would not dream of inconveniencing you unless there was a problem."

"A problem," muttered Danilo. "I should have known."

Valencienne shrugged apologetically, the bejewelled sleeves of her cream-coloured dress glittering in the candlelight. "You know what men are like," she said. "I suppose it's my lot in life, always having them hanging after me. They can't help it, of course, and it's terribly sweet of them, especially as I'm sure everyone knows I'm ever faithful to my dear husband."

Hanna nodded gravely, without the shadow of a smile on her face. Behind Valencienne, she could see Danilo rolling his eyes; he had never been able to take the Ambassador's wife seriously. Valencienne peered out around the curtains again, and as no one seemed to be watching them, she produced from the hidden depths of her décolletage a small folded piece of paper which she handed to Hanna.

"I found this hidden in a bouquet of roses that someone must have sent me yesterday," she said. "I should have read it before, I know, but there were so many notes for me, I simple didn't have the time to get through them all until today! And now—naturally I didn't want to break his confidence, but his writing is so bad that I can't decipher half of what it says."

"You mean you want me to read you this love letter for you?" said Hanna.

"I think it's meant to be poetry," said Valencienne dubiously. "Is it any good, do you suppose?"

"It's eye-searingly awful, and whoever wrote it ought to be shot at the first opportunity," stated Danilo, reading over Hanna's shoulder. "What sort of person actually tries to rhyme Valencienne with 'refrain'?"

"I think it's rather sweet," said Valencienne. "He's so besotted with me that he has forgotten how to express himself in writing. That's quite romantic."

Hanna turned the paper over. "There's something written on the back as well," she said. "Oh, dear, it looks like more poetry. But what on earth—"

"That's not love poetry," exclaimed Danilo, snatching the note out of her hand. "Listen to this:"

> "O, comrades, ye who share a common cause,  
>  We meet at midnight when the moon has grown,  
>  Outside this house—indeed, outside the laws—  
>  To plot how Pontevedro be o'erthrown.  
>    
>  The man who is our enemy the most  
>  Who must be captured soon, without delay  
>  Is sadly no one other than our host  
>  Whose hospitality we need betray.  
>    
>  Rise up! Beware! Do not forget the hour!  
>  Tomorrow midnight is the time of power!"

"Good Lord, I haven't read anything this abysmal since my own youthful attempts at poetry!"

"Do you think they're serious?" said Hanna.

"Serious?" said Valencienne. "Who? About what?"

"You heard what Danilo said," sighed Hanna. "It seems as if someone is conspiring to kidnap the host of this ball—which must mean your husband, the Ambassador."

"And they're discussing this dreadful scheme on the back of a love note to me?" said Valencienne. "That is really the height of impoliteness; I am his wife, after all."

"I think, my lady," said Danilo, "that you have it backwards—that someone has by mistake written a poem to you on the back of a note from a co-conspirator. Although why either of the missives had to rhyme is a mystery to me; it's all-too clear that the perpetrators of this outrage have no talent for poetry."

"Perhaps they meant to disguise it?" said Hanna. "I know that I, for one, would hesitate to read further than the first two lines, if it weren't out of duty to my country."

"However bad the rhyming is, we must tell my husband at once," declared Valencienne. "The note says 'at midnight', and we are long past that time. The conspirators may lie in wait for him at this very moment!"

"I don't know that I would suggest that," said Hanna. "If we give the note to the Ambassador, suppose he reads the back of it as well, and grows suspicious? He might even think you're involved as well, seeing as the note is addressed to you."

"I hadn't thought of that," said Valencienne. "But what else can we do to stop them?"

"Even if we don't show the note to the Ambassador," said Hanna, "one of us can keep an eye on him, while the others try to find out more about the conspiracy. Valencienne, that last part means you."

"Then I shall go over and make small talk with the Ambassador and try to figure out from him what enemies he might have," said Danilo. "And you can lay all your worries to rest, I shall be extremely subtle about it."

"Subtle? You?" said Hanna. "If all we have to trust in is your diplomatic talents, then we may as well bid the Ambassador farewell at once."

"You wound me with your lack of faith in my conversational skills," said Danilo. "But I shall rise above your petty insults and do my duty to the Fatherland, and soon you will see how wrong you were not to trust me. Au revoir!"

With an elaborate bow, he left the sheltered alcove and started out across the floor, moving in a haphazard fashion so that when he at last managed to run into the Ambassador, it looked quite like a coincidence. Hanna hid a smile and turned to Valencienne.

"Now, then, dear friend," she said, "with my dubiously reliable suitor safely disposed of, let's see if we can track down your conspiring admirers!"


	2. The Morning After The Night Before

The next morning had almost edged over into noon when Valencienne rose to meet the day. Dressed in a morning gown which many women would have considered somewhat fancy even for a Coronation Ball, she reached the drawing-room just as Hanna swept in, followed by the maid who was supposed to have announced the visitor.

"Oh!" said Valencienne, who wasn't much of a morning person. "Whatever is the matter, Hanna?"

Hanna poured herself some tea, bypassing both the bewildered Valencienne and the maid.

"Men!" she exclaimed at last, biting into a sandwich.

"Men? Oh! Yes, of course," said Valencienne, feeling on somewhat safer ground. 

"They're all the same! I'll never understand them."

"Oh yes," said Valencienne. "Although I have to confess I rather like the mystery of it."

"I ask for one simple thing," said Hanna, taking another bite of her sandwich.

"Only one thing? You'd have thought he could handle that..."

"I should have known I'd be disappointed."

"I'm so sorry," said Valencienne. "I didn't think he would be that bad."

"Well, you know what he's like!" muttered Hanna into her tea cup.

"I don't, actually," said Valencienne, sounding a bit put out. "Not from my own experience, at least. I always keep my distance from other women's husbands and fiancés. What happened?"

"He went off to Maxim's and was horribly drunk!"

"Before? Or afterwards?" said Valencienne, feeling as if she had somehow lost track of the conversation. "You don't mean he left you and went to Maxim, right after the two of you had—"

"After we had done _what_? Really, Valencienne! That's not at all what I meant."

"Oh! I'm so sorry," said Valencienne, colouring slightly. "I must have misunderstood. Do explain to me again. What seems to be the problem?"

"I told you," said Hanna, "Danilo apparently got it into his head to be helpful, and you know how that tends to end. He said he would guard your husband's every step, and then I heard from Njegus that he spent the night at Maxim's, getting drunk on champagne and dancing on tables with the grisettes. How he thought that would accomplish anything is quite beyond me."

"Oh, I'm sure he had a good reason," said Valencienne. 

"You have an entirely too good opinion of my fiancé," said Hanna. "The most likely explanation is that someone dared him to do something outrageous like tasting all the types of champagne the place offers, and he felt it would shame the Fatherland if he declined the invitation."

"I still think you're too hard on him," said Valencienne. "He may have been hot on the trail of the conspirators, and had to do something to divert attention in order to keep from being discovered. I'm sure if we go and ask him he will explain everything."

  


* * *

  


They set off, Hanna grumbling that her appearing at her fiancé's apartments uninvited would cause people to talk, and Valencienne reassuring her that no one could have anything against her going anywhere in the company of a respectable married lady such as herself.

Danilo looked rather the worse for wear—he looked, in fact, as if he had spent the night alternately waltzing, drinking champagne and dancing on tables. He was also a bit bewildered at the sudden intrusion, and his longing glances at the drinks cabinet indicated that he would have chosen something rather stronger than coffee, had he not had visitors.

"The things I do for the Fatherland," he moaned, wincing as Hanna drew the heavy curtains from the windows with a vindictive smile. 

"Oh, dear," said Valencienne. "I hope you didn't have an awful time with my husband! Did he keep you up all night?"

"If he had, I would not be alive to tell the tale," said Danilo, helping himself to a cup of coffee that looked strong enough to strip the paint from the walls. "When I subtly introduced the subject of conspiracies he spent an hour talking my head off about the enemies of the throne, and how they kept putting sleeping powders in the drinks of his attachés. Then he insisted I come with him to Maxim's because he wasn't finished talking! Thankfully, he fell asleep on a sofa after an hour or so. To be quite honest I was looking forward to a couple of hours of sleep myself after seeing him home—not that I'm not delighted to see you both, of course."

"Did you believe him about the sleeping powders?" said Hanna. 

"Not really," said Danilo. "To be honest, I thought it much more likely that his underlings keep falling asleep out of boredom; working at an embassy is quite possibly the most sleep-inducing kind of occupation there is. But I didn't want to assume anything under the circumstances, so I made sure to have a drink from every champagne bottle he opened, just to be on the safe side. Thus my rather unpolished appearance right now, dear fiancée, for which I'm sure you are already secretly judging me."

"How brave you are indeed," said Hanna gravely. "The strength of character you must have needed to bring yourself to drink all that champagne is hard for me to imagine. We are much in your debt, to be sure."

"Not as much as your husband is to me, dear lady," said Danilo, turning to Valencienne. "Has no one told him that Maxim's doesn't accept a man's word of honour in lieu of payment anymore? That ended a year ago when the dear old Scandinavian Ambassador to Italy dropped by to bedazzle us all with his whist skills. He revelled all night long and left a bill of some million francs which he assured them he was good for. It was only later, after he had left, that someone ventured to inform the management of the fact that Scandinavia is not in fact one country, but rather a peninsula, or something like that, containing no less than three sovereign nations, none of which would confess to any knowledge of His Excellency Count Olaf Svendsen of Kristianburg."

"You speak as if you were there," noted Hanna. "Did it not occur to you to inform the management of their error before the man left?"

"Ordinarily, I would have," explained Danilo. "Sadly, he had, in the spirit of cooperation between nations, offered to foot my own bill as well as his, and, having taken his word for it, I could not bring myself to expose him. It would have been the very height of rudeness; also, I did not quite have the funds on hand to settle my own expenses, had they demanded it of me."

"I can't say I am surprised," noted Hanna. "What astounds me is that you're still allowed within Maxim's walls; I should have thought they would have thrown you out by now."

"Ah, but they say I lend a certain air of _je ne sais quoi_ to the place," said Danilo. "Besides, I know all the grisettes, and they would be sad to see me go, or so they say, which would be bad for business. But I forget! I did actually learn something which might be important. I don't know for sure that it's related to this plot, but I happened to overhear a man who had kept close to us all night, and it distinctly sounded as if he had an accomplice who was relieving him of his duty to shadow the Ambassador, as they had been forced to postpone their plans until tonight."

"Postpone their plans?" said Valencienne. "What are we to do then?"

"I think," said Hanna, "it must be time for me to invite everyone to another ball."


	3. Another Night, Another Ball

The rumours said that some Pontevedrian expatriots owned only clothes meant for dancing, and the crowd at Hanna Glawari's next ball did nothing to make one doubt this. There were only a few people standing against the walls as the latest waltz started playing, one of them being the Ambassador himself. He smiled genially at Count Danilo who sauntered over to join him by the French windows.

"Good evening, Count!" he said. "Surely you have not tired of dancing so soon. Where is your lovely fiancée?"

"Oh, she's around here somewhere," indicated Danilo. 

"Then you must go to her! Remember how important it is to the Fatherland that the two of you stay—ah, but here she is. Good evening, good evening!"

"Good evening, Your Excellency," said Hanna.

"I was just reminding Count Danilo what a splendid pair the two of you make."

"Oh, yes? And did he need much reminding?"

"Of course not," the Ambassador hastened to reassure her. "And neither do you, I should think. The Count is such an energetic young man—"

"Indeed? Lifting can-can dancers must make for a good constitution."

"Ah, but he is very faithful."

"To every one he kisses!"

"I did kiss some of them," said Danilo, "but I was constantly thinking of you, if that makes it any better."

"If you only knew how sad he was before you came here!" said the Ambassador, still trying to convince Hanna, who only barely managed to hide her smile behind her fan.

"Are you quite sure he wasn't just exhausted from avoiding all his work?" she asked.

"I cried myself to sleep on top of the in-tray in my office, I'll have you know," added Danilo, not very helpfully.

"My dears," cried the Ambassador, losing his temper, "the Fatherland implores you to love each other!"

"Right here, in front of all these people?" Danilo looked shocked. "Really, Ambassador, that's a bit too open-minded even for me..."

"You know what I mean," tried the Ambassador. He leaned closer to Danilo and whispered: "The millions! Remember the millions!"

"I didn't quite hear that," said Hanna. "Did you say something about millions?"

"He claims that, er, there are millions of reasons for us to marry."

"Oh, yes? Something like twenty-two million reasons?"

"I thought it was only twenty million," said the Ambassador, who liked some accuracy in his national economy.

"Ah, but I'm counting the interest as well."

"And let no one claim there is a lack of interest here," said Danilo, making a gallant bow to his fiancée. The Ambassador nodded encouragingly, glad to see that his appeal to the young couple's better selves had been successful.

At this point, their three-person tête-à-tête was interrupted by the arrival of Valencienne, who pulled Hanna away from the men.

"I've found the conspirators!" she said. "How lucky that they should both be admirers of mine; apparently they have been competing for my attention in between plotting the kidnapping of my dear husband, and it was only through severe misfortune that they failed to catch my attention these last six months or so. I really must get better at reading the love notes people send me."

"That is indeed good to know," said Hanna. "And yet you look worried?"

"Ah, there's only one small problem. You see, to get all of this information I had to pretend to flirt with them, and as they're both quite in love with me I'm afraid their comradeship is suffering for it. That is to say, they have decided that a duel to the death for the right to my heart is the only honourable course of action for them."

"Good heavens!" said Hanna. 

"I know!" exclaimed Valencienne. "I have no idea what made them think that would help in any way; after all, I'm so well known for being absolutely faithful to my dear husband, so what would the poor winner actually gain from his victory? Especially as I expect the death of his comrade would make it more difficult to continue with the conspiracy."

"You didn't try to dissuade them at any point, either from the duel or the plot?"

"Oh, but they were so very eager to prove their affections for me! It didn't seem polite to refuse. It's only—well—" She bit her lip thoughtfully, adding: "I do wonder what my husband will think about it all. What if the real reason comes out? He would think it so rude of them to conspire against him."

"You don't think he would mind them dueling over you, though?"

"Oh, dear! I hadn't thought of that. Someone really ought to stop them, don't you think?"

Hanna sighed. "I'll see what I can do," she said. "Oh, wait, I know. Danilo!"

"You called?" said the Count, who seemed to have been lurking in the near vicinity, waiting for his cue.

"I certainly did. Count Danilo, it's time for you to make yet another sacrifice for the Fatherland."

"But I'm still hungover from the last time!"

"We only need you to tell us what you know of these men—Valencienne will point them out to you. Pontevedrians in Paris always end up at the embassy sooner or later, and the more we know about them, the easier it will be to figure out how to stop them."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, my dear, but I don't recall ever seeing a living soul at the embassy; either I was asleep when they were there, or I was out, or they were never there at all."

"We'll have to find someone else who knows them, then," said Hanna. "No, I have a better idea! How about the kind of sacrifice where you act as my pretty arm-candy and only _pretend_ to work at the embassy?"

"For you, dear lady," said Danilo, taking her hand, "I would pretend to work overtime."


	4. Count Danilo Must Sacrifice His Dignity To The Fatherland

It can be difficult to combine a burning desire for justice with an equally burning desire for the lady of one's heart. This becomes even harder when one's comrade for the first cause has become one's rival for the second. The two men vying for the favours of the fair Valencienne were encountering a unique set of problems in the preparations for their duel, as Hanna and Danilo heard as they came closer.

"If you had for once acted honourably, we would never have had to go this far!" said the first man to the second. "How are we supposed to kidnap the Ambassador now?"

"If you had not gone too far trying to court his wife, I would not have had to act honourably in order to stop you!" responded the second man. They were both wearing dress clothes and sporting equally fancy moustaches, which made them as indistinguishable from each other as most men of their age and class. Nevertheless, Valencienne claimed to actually recognise these two as her suitors, and so Hanna led Danilo closer to the pair, so that she could pretend to stumble and fall as she passed them.

"I'm so sorry," she gasped, subtly elbowing Danilo as one of the men helped her to rise. "I was listening so eagerly to my fiancé's explanations of his embassy work, I simply forgot to look where I was going. Do please forgive me—"

"The embassy, you say?" A light had lit in the second man's eyes. "Not the Pontevedrian embassy, by any chance?"

"Oh, yes," said Hanna. "How clever of you to guess!"

"My dear," said Danilo, "I _am_ in fact wearing the ceremonial uniform of the redoubtable Sixth Division of the Pontevedrian High Cavalry, which is the traditional dress of our embassy. Surely it's obvious where I work."

"As you can see," continued Hanna, elbowing Danilo again to make him stop helping, "my fiancé is very ambitious. After only four months here, he is practically the right hand man of the Ambassador, and if anything were to happen to His Excellency—"

"Yes?" said the two conspirators eagerly.

"No one would do a better job than Count Danilo at replacing him," said Hanna, not entirely truthfully.

The conspirators looked at each other in a highly conspiratorial manner. The first one rubbed his hands together in glee. The second one turned to Danilo with a smile.

"Count Danilo, we, my comrade and I, have an offer for you that we think would interest you greatly. Would you perhaps like to take a solitary walk with us in the garden? It is so lovely and dark outside here in the shadows. A very good environment for mutually beneficial conversations."

Danilo looked beseechingly at Hanna, raising his eyebrows as if to say 'you really expect me to say yes?'.

"Don't mind me!" she said. "I think I see my friend Valencienne coming over, and I really must talk to her."

Danilo raised his eyebrows even higher in the universally acknowledged sign for 'these people might be armed, have you thought about that?', but Hanna remained unmoved, shooing him out, and so he left, arm in arm with the conspirators, hissing out of the side of his mouth as he went: "Armed! Kidnappers! Bent on murder and mayhem! I'm doing this very much for your sake, but remember me to the Fatherland!"

As the men reached the door, however, they found them barred, two burly guards crossing their ceremonial halberds in front of them.

"Well, well, well!" said the Ambassador, appearing suddenly behind them. "What have we got here?"

"Oh dear," said Danilo, who seemed to have forgotten that for once, the whole affair was not in any way his fault. "I can explain!"

"No need," said the Ambassador. "My dear wife has already told me everything. Arrest these men! No, no, not him, he's my ...attaché, I think. My secretary? At least, he works at the embassy. Well, when I say _works_ —"

The conspirators were led away, their carefully waxed moustaches bristling with indignation as they saw their plans thwarted in both directions. The Ambassador beamed heartily at Hanna and Danilo.

"Did you ever hear of such a brave woman as my dear Valencienne?" he said. "She found out about this devilish plot against me, and so she rushed to me at once to make sure it was stopped—even at the highest cost to herself—" 

"Valencienne!" said Hanna. "What have you done?"

"Just look at this note she showed me, laying out their plans for my kidnapping!" exclaimed the Ambassador. "At the greatest risk to her own sanity, she read it not just once, but twice, bravely disregarding both the sloppy handwriting and the poor rhyming skills of the so-called 'poet' who composed this travesty. Is that not the truest sign you ever saw of a woman's love for the Fatherland?"

  


* * *

  


When Valencienne and the Ambassador had left to mingle with the other guests and let the rumours of what had really happened and why spread like the wind, Danilo turned to Hanna.

"I still don't quite get what I was supposed to be doing here," he complained. "Was I the bait, and if so, where was the trap? Did you really send Valencienne away to reveal all to the Ambassador, so that he could stop them himself?"

"Oh, no," said Hanna. "I had no idea Valencienne would do that. It was very brave of her. No, my plan was to make them lure you out into the garden and reveal their plans to you, either because they wanted you to betray the Ambassador or because they thought they could start small by taking down his right hand."

"So I was, in fact, the bait."

"More or less, yes."

"Hanna, my love, you know I would do anything for the Fatherland, but what if they had been violent? There were two of them, and only one of me; were you so sure I would win in a fight?"

"My dear Danilo," said Hanna. "As a highly trained cavalry officer—well, a cavalry officer, at any rate—you're wearing a uniform which for some reason includes in its ceremonial garb not just the obligatory sabre but also at least two visible daggers. They were wearing the usual evening dress; were you afraid they would strangle you with their ties?"

"Ah," said Danilo. "Well. You may have a point there."

"I have no intention of letting you die for the glory of the Fatherland," said Hanna. "It would be especially inconvenient now, considering the lengths I had to go to in order to get you to tell me you loved me."

"I had my principles!"

"And now you are about to have me, and twenty-two million francs. Not such a bad exchange for your principles, don't you think?"

"Indeed not," said Danilo. "I wasn't using them much, anyway."


End file.
